Getting back to me..

I have been having anxiety attacks recently. I have had them before but never like this, heart pounding, body shaking, eyes blurred, sweating, mind racing and unable to breath. I find some comfort in being able to pin point where it was coming from. 

A large part of my ever growing anxiety has been due to my two children giving us a few heart palpitating scares this year. My 10.5 month old in particular has visited A&E more in the past month than I have in my 25 years on this earth. Another large contributor is the lack of care I have shown to myself. I put myself last on my to-do list and I never seem to reach the top. I have decided to start wedging myself past the never end laundry pile, the baby clothes I dream of organising, the bedroom walls I would love to re paint and get back to 'me'. Of course my children and their needs and happiness comes first above everything  else but that doesn't mean I have to lose myself along the way.

Since we had our second child I have been struggling to find where I fit myself in, feeling guilty anytime I priorities myself. Those anxiety attacks have taught me a valuable lesson I was already aware of but not willing to make the necessary changes to honour that lesson. Unless I am taking care of myself and my basic needs, I cannot take care of my children to the best of my ability. 

So, I have decided to do just that! I went to the gym for the first time in three years last night..three years! I couldn't even find my running shoes. I showed up in a pair of very old leggings, a pyjama shirt and some dirty converse. I felt out of place at first but soon realised no one else noticed or cared. I left feeling elated, it is amazing what the release of endorphins can do! 

From now on I am going to work out because I know it makes me feel better, drink less coffee because a mummy with the coffee shakes is just not a good look, eat healthily because I owe it to my body that made two beautiful children and may one day make more, sleep because with out sleep things feel impossible and do things for myself that I enjoy with out any guilt attached.  So with out meaning to sound overly cliche here, cheers to a brighter and lighter (and late) 2018!